Writings

The approach I take to therapy has at its core the three values of Understanding, Acceptance and Compassion. These values as I understand them are explained to the client in the consultation before we set about investigating how these values work through the four relationships men have to themselves. We conclude with a model of alignment and balance which clients use to reorient themselves when times become difficult or challenging as inevitably they must. Understanding. While we are trapped in our own narratives it is difficult to develop any but the most limited narrow band understanding of ourselves. We are… Read More »The outline of our approach

In these turbulent times the air is thick with pronouncements of plague, the end of days, epochal shifts etc. It would be unusual not to be unsettled by this relentless torment and tumult. However the boffins at men should talk have come up with a list of items that they are utterly certain will not change during the course of the crisis and way, way beyond. Their aim is to anchor you in such fundamentals and find calm. We hope you find this helpful. 1. The media will continue to make confident pronouncements about the future (remember – these are… Read More »Ten things we can all rely on

What if you woke up one day and got a text telling you that your whole life you’d been seeing people through a fixed gauze? This is not a great text to wake up to but maybe you manage to text back something like ‘WTF?’ But by then your messenger might have spread his charmless message onto someone else. So what if he’s right? Human beings are animals first. We are built to survive. In order to survive our system operates with a certain economy. For most of its (150,000-200,000 year) life homo sapiens has had to scan the environment… Read More »Gauze

It’s said in many different religious traditions that giving up ones attachments can be deeply liberating. While it’s certainly possible to understand this the process of giving up ones attachments is complex. Where to start? We might begin with attachments to Queen, State or country. This might sound simple but think a little about what the head of state might have meant to your parents or grandparents or your siblings. Have you inherited any of these views? Realising that you might have some residual attachments is only the first step in actually giving them up. Have you attachments to your… Read More »Attachments

The tight jacket is a tricky choice for men. If the body is trim and well proportioned the tight jacket shows it to good effect but if if its not then the man can end up looking like he’s in the process of exploding out of his body – right now. Step back! But this jacket is also indicative of the pressures that modern men are willing to put themselves under. The tight jacket is the male equivalent of the push up bra and just like that old advert it says “Hello Girls (or Boys)’ in flaunting the well defined… Read More »Tight Jacket

Commentators have suggested that when phone users share all aspects of their life in public spaces they are taking part in the gradual erosion of British reserve. This is perhaps more complex than it appears: for example was this tradition of reserve a quality that was expressed by all classes or was it perhaps exercised by a few who recommended it as a model others should follow? Was it the unconscious expression of one class to maintain the order of another who perhaps felt threatened by the loud public speech of the underclasses? But to really bring this debate up… Read More »Nothing to hide

Everybody waits. It seems hardly worth elaborating but the business of waiting in one way or another is a standard feature of modern life. But how do you deal with that time?  The vast majority of people see waiting as a waste of their time. In public they will crane their necks to see what the hold up is. Others will stare intently at their watch as if it were a magical device which could end the queue. Real sufferers will complain out loud generating either scorn or vocal support. Queueing is seen as fundamentally wrong and proof that ‘the… Read More »The waiting game

It has always been a core part of my business to help men find kindness in their lives. But coming to really understand feeling this can prove very difficult for men. As a result I am often asked this straightforward question – what does kindness actually mean in practise? Kindness as defined by mainstream media is closely related to pity. They say we are kind when we make a donation to a worthy cause or help out by texting small amounts to relief agencies. While there is certainly a value in this it is not necessarily kind. At its worst… Read More »Kindness

Who or what is it that contains you? From our first moments we are mirrored, matched and bonded to others. Our sense of individuality is partly a result of our inherited genetic characteristics and partly a product of the environments we are brought up in. If we are lucky we are nurtured and can enjoy degrees of freedom to explore who we can be. Over time we develop routines, habits and patterns of behaviour. We learn assumptions that come to inform our perceptions. In the process of becoming ‘I’ we come to include and exclude others. Memory goes just a… Read More »Zones

A great deal of time and energy is spent focusing on addictions. Alcohol, drugs, gambling and sex are the most discussed topics but there is a more powerful addiction that has arisen over the past 20 years which might even be more destabilising than all of them. The addiction I’m talking about is attention. The rise of the online world has rightly been celebrated for the rapid spread of information, helping build relational communities and engineering all manner of creative and charitable collaborations. However one of the negative effects of this online multi-level always-on world is the demands it can… Read More »The New Addiction