Writings

Everybody waits. It seems hardly worth elaborating but the business of waiting in one way or another is a standard feature of modern life. But how do you deal with that time?  The vast majority of people see waiting as a waste of their time. In public they will crane their necks to see what the hold up is. Others will stare intently at their watch as if it were a magical device which could end the queue. Real sufferers will complain out loud generating either scorn or vocal support. Queueing is seen as fundamentally wrong and proof that ‘the… Read More »The waiting game

It has always been a core part of my business to help men find kindness in their lives. But coming to really understand feeling this can prove very difficult for men. As a result I am often asked this straightforward question – what does kindness actually mean in practise? Kindness as defined by mainstream media is closely related to pity. They say we are kind when we make a donation to a worthy cause or help out by texting small amounts to relief agencies. While there is certainly a value in this it is not necessarily kind. At its worst… Read More »Kindness

Who or what is it that contains you? From our first moments we are mirrored, matched and bonded to others. Our sense of individuality is partly a result of our inherited genetic characteristics and partly a product of the environments we are brought up in. If we are lucky we are nurtured and can enjoy degrees of freedom to explore who we can be. Over time we develop routines, habits and patterns of behaviour. We learn assumptions that come to inform our perceptions. In the process of becoming ‘I’ we come to include and exclude others. Memory goes just a… Read More »Zones

A great deal of time and energy is spent focusing on addictions. Alcohol, drugs, gambling and sex are the most discussed topics but there is a more powerful addiction that has arisen over the past 20 years which might even be more destabilising than all of them. The addiction I’m talking about is attention. The rise of the online world has rightly been celebrated for the rapid spread of information, helping build relational communities and engineering all manner of creative and charitable collaborations. However one of the negative effects of this online multi-level always-on world is the demands it can… Read More »The New Addiction

It is disheartening but all too common these days to hear talk of ‘Man-flu.’ You’ll be familiar with the scenario in which a man complains of a sniffle and the surrounding womenfolk all intone that he has ‘man-flu’ and begin berating him for his weakness when the stronger sex battle through daily life despite the loss of limbs, body-fluids and any form of support from men whatsoever. I don’t want to suggest that there is some actual physical element that makes men suffer more from a cold than women but it may be worth considering why men complain the way… Read More »The Sniffles

The outsider skulks around the boundary of the group.  Those inside look up but all they can see is the outline of a dark dog in a moonless sky. The outsider envies the aggressive familiarity of those inside – the back slapping, hand-shaking, and determined use of well-worn phrases all seem to indicate a cosy world he can never enter. Those inside feel warmed by the company but harbour secret doubts. They avert their eyes from the outsider as he reminds them of the dread of exclusion. They feel how tenuous their connections are and so cling to them for… Read More »Outside/Inside

The digital octopus leaves none of us alone. In every waking moment is the need to follow, reply, post, share, like and tweet. All of our energy is directed into the endless quest to be constantly connected for it is through connections that we are known and not be to known is to be.. what? Left out? A non-player? It doesn’t bear thinking about it. So we don’t think and quickly rejoin the whirling fizz of communications to keep up with whatever it is we’re supposed to be keeping up with. It seems to me that the uncoordinated forces behind… Read More »The Digital Octopus

Looking for a therapist is a tricky business. Here are ten tips to bear in mind while walking through the minefield to find the right person for you: Look out for these telltale signs –  1. If his or her wall is peppered with qualifications he may have some insecurity issues of his own. Think on. S/he might be trying to overwhelm you with learning rather than being able to reach out to help 2. If some of the certificates are wet or written in crayon s/he may not be the one you are looking for. 3. If his or… Read More »Guide to finding a therapist.

It happened about thirty years ago.  At first there were only a few of these little blocks pulling their host bodies around town. We used to think it amusing to see the faces lit up in blue-grey tones as they wandered thorough the cities. ‘What a strange way to live’ we thought as we chatted away.  But over time more and more faces were infused with the grey-blue. Now we needed these blocks to navigate our lives. Users were pulled through individual pathways regardless of where others were and what they were doing. The grey blocks redefined liberty. They made… Read More »Invasion of the grey blocks

Your attention is now a commodity. This is not a new phenomenon. For example television ratings and advertising are linked. If the right people are watching at the right time then the adverts, sponsorship etc are sold at the price to matches the viewers ability to pay. Newspapers and magazines are also designed to sell audiences to advertisers. Your attention has always been valued but the rise of the online world has changed the way this works. One of the great freedoms enjoyed by the consumer under the old system was that he or she could always switch paper and… Read More »Attention to…