The approach I take to therapy has at its core the three values of Understanding, Acceptance and Compassion. These values as I understand them are explained to the client in the consultation before we set about investigating how these values work through the four relationships men have to themselves. We conclude with a model of alignment and balance which clients use to reorient themselves when times become difficult or challenging as inevitably they must.
Understanding
Understanding. While we are trapped in our own narratives it is difficult to develop any but the most limited narrow band understanding of ourselves. We are set up to survive and a lot of our mechanisms override any efforts we may want to change. Therapy is firstly about understanding how it is we have come to be set up the way we are. Without a deep and far-reaching under- standing of our self and its relationship to others we are unable to accomplish common (but difficult) goals like forgiveness. Understanding is a carefully chosen word. It is not about critique or analysis. Understanding is gentler and more reflective. As clients soon learn from the method we have to consider all four relationships to ourselves as it is in the mix of these that a new under- standing can emerge. This is of course best done with a therapist who should be skilled enough to ‘hold’ the client as a new approach to their story emerges. As the client proceeds they should hang onto the phrase ‘the past is a reference point – not a map’. It is by believing that the past is laid out for them like a map that men stumble on being loaded down with duty, responsibility and their associated costs (alcoholism, addiction). Understanding the past is the first key to change.
Acceptance
Acceptance. It is essential that the client understand that what we mean by acceptance is primarily defined by what it is not. Thus acceptance is NOT resignation. Resignation is expressed in the following forms – ‘My dad was like that am so am I, “I’ve always done this: I’m an addictive personality; I have this condition’ etc. Resignation is the name we give to the tight and inflexible script that the client invests in. When people ask me whether hypnotism works I push the question back and ask whether there are phrases or modes of behaviour that they repeat to them- selves (self-talk) on such a regular basis that they form the outline of the truth they live within. Acceptance is very different. Acceptance does not deny the past but recognises that we cannot know the future. Perhaps more importantly acceptance is a daily practise is which the individual comes to realise their potential unbounded by past expectations of what the self should do. For example if the principle of responsibility has been installed in a child from a very early age then the man defines himself by it. The rewards of this responsibility can be considerable (for family, career, sense of value etc) but they can come at a cost. Resignation keeps responsibility going and some therapies become management tools or coping skills to maintain the role. Acceptance does not lead to irresponsibility but the understanding (in therapy) does offer the client a chance to see how they have got to where they are and at the very least change the way they approach themselves. Acceptance allows the individual to truly ‘be’ in their day and not in their role.
Compassion
Compassion. This is a term that many men struggle with. For principally religious reasons com- passion has come to be seen as a weak and cuddly approach to individuals – like a posh version of pity. When men are asked to show compassion to themselves they are usually lost. Compassion as I understand it is based on a deep empathy for others. Compassion is the recognition that what we share as people is far stronger than what divides us. Compassion should be powered by empathy but this is a two-way street and can sometimes struggle to find a place in men who operate with a determination to defend themselves: thus compassion might feel like a weakness. The best way to convince men of the value of compassion is to get them to reflect on a time when they experienced compassion in their lives. This might be from their parents or in a moment they had when they were children or with their own children. Then I introduce the fact that compassion has within it a chemical element (oxytocin) and that if we relive the compassionate moment we can generate this chemical and its associated feelings. If men don’t feel confident enough in the room then they can try this experience at home. It works. Furthermore men can now go forward ‘armed’ with an understanding of how it can help them not only with others but with themselves. Compassion is set up as an active approach to be used when they feel the need. I encourage an exploration and development of this but it can only take root once they have passed through the steps of understanding and acceptance. The former help clear away the past and truly allow compassion to operate in the moment.