It has always been a core part of my business to help men find kindness in their lives. But coming to really understand feeling this can prove very difficult for men. As a result I am often asked this straightforward question – what does kindness actually mean in practise? Kindness as defined by mainstream media is closely related to pity. They say we are kind when we make a donation to a worthy cause or help out by texting small amounts to relief agencies. While there is certainly a value in this it is not necessarily kind. At its worst… Read More »Kindness


Clients often drop into my office asking that I help them justify the building of a wall. I sit them down and ask them to explain what it is they mean by a wall. More often than not they say ‘I want to build a wall 3,000 miles long to protect my lower end from invasion.’ As you can imagine several questions come to mind. The first is obvious: ‘What is it that makes you think that your lower end is under threat?’ The answer often contains a great deal of bluff, bluster and deeply questionable facts. It becomes clear… Read More »Walls


Who or what is it that contains you? From our first moments we are mirrored, matched and bonded to others. Our sense of individuality is partly a result of our inherited genetic characteristics and partly a product of the environments we are brought up in. If we are lucky we are nurtured and can enjoy degrees of freedom to explore who we can be. Over time we develop routines, habits and patterns of behaviour. We learn assumptions that come to inform our perceptions. In the process of becoming ‘I’ we come to include and exclude others. Memory goes just a… Read More »Zones


Its that time of year when everybody makes resolutions and starts signing up for gym classes, diets and divorce lawyers. Yes! A new start! Today I’m going to let you now about the latest craze that seems to be seeing the worlds of fitness. Thumbing At first it seems like a regular workout. First make sure you get clearance from your doctor, then recalibrate your nutritional intake, find a local gym (any gym will do), perhaps even get a personal trainer. Finally- make sure you buy the right stretchy gear and bring water to the gym. Be careful not to… Read More »Thumb-out

The New Addiction

A great deal of time and energy is spent focusing on addictions. Alcohol, drugs, gambling and sex are the most discussed topics but there is a more powerful addiction that has arisen over the past 20 years which might even be more destabilising than all of them. The addiction I’m talking about is attention. The rise of the online world has rightly been celebrated for the rapid spread of information, helping build relational communities and engineering all manner of creative and charitable collaborations. However one of the negative effects of this online multi-level always-on world is the demands it can… Read More »The New Addiction

The Sniffles

It is disheartening but all too common these days to hear talk of ‘Man-flu.’ You’ll be familiar with the scenario in which a man complains of a sniffle and the surrounding womenfolk all intone that he has ‘man-flu’ and begin berating him for his weakness when the stronger sex battle through daily life despite the loss of limbs, body-fluids and any form of support from men whatsoever. I don’t want to suggest that there is some actual physical element that makes men suffer more from a cold than women but it may be worth considering why men complain the way… Read More »The Sniffles


The outsider skulks around the boundary of the group.  Those inside look up but all they can see is the outline of a dark dog in a moonless sky. The outsider envies the aggressive familiarity of those inside – the back slapping, hand-shaking, and determined use of well-worn phrases all seem to indicate a cosy world he can never enter. Those inside feel warmed by the company but harbour secret doubts. They avert their eyes from the outsider as he reminds them of the dread of exclusion. They feel how tenuous their connections are and so cling to them for… Read More »Outside/Inside

The Digital Octopus

The digital octopus leaves none of us alone. In every waking moment is the need to follow, reply, post, share, like and tweet. All of our energy is directed into the endless quest to be constantly connected for it is through connections that we are known and not be to known is to be.. what? Left out? A non-player? It doesn’t bear thinking about it. So we don’t think and quickly rejoin the whirling fizz of communications to keep up with whatever it is we’re supposed to be keeping up with. It seems to me that the uncoordinated forces behind… Read More »The Digital Octopus

Guide to finding a therapist.

Looking for a therapist is a tricky business. Here are ten tips to bear in mind while walking through the minefield to find the right person for you: Look out for these telltale signs –  1. If his or her wall is peppered with qualifications he may have some insecurity issues of his own. Think on. S/he might be trying to overwhelm you with learning rather than being able to reach out to help 2. If some of the certificates are wet or written in crayon s/he may not be the one you are looking for. 3. If his or… Read More »Guide to finding a therapist.

Invasion of the grey blocks

It happened about thirty years ago.  At first there were only a few of these little blocks pulling their host bodies around town. We used to think it amusing to see the faces lit up in blue-grey tones as they wandered thorough the cities. ‘What a strange way to live’ we thought as we chatted away.  But over time more and more faces were infused with the grey-blue. Now we needed these blocks to navigate our lives. Users were pulled through individual pathways regardless of where others were and what they were doing. The grey blocks redefined liberty. They made… Read More »Invasion of the grey blocks